How To Fight Fair
The other day someone asked me to share my thoughts on fighting fair so I figured I’d write a short blog on the topic.
How do you fight fair? You don’t fight at all, that’s how. I don’t think fighting is necessary. Disagreements, hurt feelings, and miscommunications happen but if you have to yell, blame, and name call to get your point across and have your needs met then you are missing a huge opportunity for growth.
Non-effective or even downright abusive forms of communication do nothing to foster love and intimacy within a relationship. In fact they prevent it. You are either moving into deeper areas of emotional trust and safety with your partner or you are moving out of it. Of course there is room for error but the more you practice these skills the more unbreakable your bond will be.
Growth within a relationship can happen within conflict if the 2 individuals are willing to lay down their sword and shield and instead be vulnerable with one another. Intentionally and softly receiving your partner in their hurt OR being the one to vulnerably share is one of the most intimate and connective things a couple can do.
Here are my steps to turn fighting into growth as a couple.
The person sharing:
When you notice you are hurt, triggered, or otherwise upset by your partner’s actions take a moment to sit in the feeling until it calms down a bit. Go for a run, cry, call a friend/therapist, journal, etc.
When you’ve collected your big person words so to speak go to your partner with an I statement. “I felt x when y happened.” this allows you to be heard without putting your partner on the defense.
For the person listening:
This isn’t about you right now.
If you feel triggered after hearing your partner take a break until you are ready to react with love & kindness.
Listen to your partner as they tell you how they feel.
Ask open ended questions to better understand.
Make eye contact and notice other non verbal communication.
Tell them you are glad they shared, that you didn’t mean to hurt their feelings, and begin working together towards a solution. ❤️🩹
This is what cultivates trust and commitment in a relationship. When it’s practiced regularly and with a true desire for repair love will blossom and grow as deep and wide as your willing to let it.