Say No More Often
People pleasing is one of those things that will slowly kill you from the inside out. One little inauthentic “yes” here, one little “yes” that you instantly regret there and before you know it you have been swallowed up by a life you hate or at least a life that makes you dreadfully unhappy. Establishing boundaries and learning to say no to things you do not wish to do is CRUCIAL and a fundamental part of happiness. This is something I have personally struggled with for most of my life and only just got good at it in the last few years.
Saying no is a muscle you build. It's not easy at first especially when those around you are used to you always saying yes to everything. Once you begin to make this a habit you may notice you run into some turbulence. Remember in the Titantic when the ship was about to hit that giant glacier and the boys in the engine room were desperately working to drive the gears in the other direction to slow the ship down? Alas, they couldn’t overcompensate for the speed of the ship and they slammed right into the glacier. Learning to say no is kind of like that. You’ve built a whole life that is barrelling down its path at lightening speed. The momentum is not easily stopped. So when all your chronic yeses have been fueling the engine and then you decide to start throwing some no’s in there chances are you will likely hit a few icebergs. Like a wife who doesn’t like that you’ve begun to have a say. Or a tinder match that gets upset when you stop responding to her after learning she doesn’t know what Star Wars is. Haha. Or a great relationship that needs to end because your girlfriend suddenly decided she wants kids and thats not on your 10 year plan.
Learning to start saying no will come with certain sacrifices but it will also come with lots and lots of wins and victories! Think of all the time you’ll free up to do things you actually want to do? Think of all the heartache you’ll save when you learn to walk away from a relationship potential at the first sign of red flags? Or how much closer you and your wife will become when you let her see your needs, wants, and desires vs simply being a yes man. Saying no can be a very vulnerable thing because it lets the world know that you want and need things too. You aren’t just an ATM, a problem solver, etc. You are a human!
Saying yes is the easy way out because when you say yes to everything you have no personal accountability when your life is not what you hoped it would be. It's an excuse when shit hits the fan. “Well I’m miserable because I’ve had to take care of everything and everybody. I’m a provider.” That’s not true though. You do have a choice and you can start turning things around for yourself if you are not happy with the current forecast of your life. Saying yes all the time is a choice and beginning to now say no is now also a choice.
How will you begin to change your life today? Where can you start to say “No” when you normally would have said “Yes”. It doesn’t have to be something big. You can start small. What's important is that you begin to develop an awareness that you even have a choice in the matter. That whether you say yes or whether you say no, the consequences are still on you. Sometimes you say yes so often that it just becomes an unconscious thing you do. Bringing the unconscious to the conscious is how we make change! Good luck my friend. I’m on your side always.
Yours Truly,
Claire