The attack on maleness
It's no surprise that male loneliness is on the rise. “US men are rapidly getting lonelier and staying single, with 15% not even having one close friend” says Julia Pugachevsky from Businessinsider.com When ignored loneliness can begin to affect one's whole life including mental and physical health. So how do you keep it from getting to that point? Well, you see it as a need. Yes I said need. Loneliness is a symptom of a lack of intimacy and connection. Intimacy and connection are human needs. Loneliness is a symptom of a lack of connection just like a cough is a symptom of a cold. What do you do when you have a cold? You rest, take care of yourself, drink plenty of fluids, right? Loneliness is no different. It should be seen as a symptom of an unmet need and cured with human connection, intimacy, and love.
That’s a lot easier said than done though isn’t it? The patriarchal system you are governed under isn’t conducive to men having this need met. In fact it specifically tells men you don’t have emotional needs! In fact, it even celebrates that you are not to have any feelings except anger and rage. This is what makes you a man according to the patriarchy and there is no room for loneliness because feelings of any kind mean you are weak. So there is the problem. Our culture at large tells and teaches men from childhood that you are not to have feelings much less express them, but you do have feelings because you’re a human. So instead you repress them, including loneliness, until you begin to develop physical and mental health issues that begin to ruin your quality of life. It's as if you were set up to fail and be unhappy from the beginning. Interesting, huh?
So now that we see the truth, and that not only is the loneliness your feeling a very real thing, it is also not your fault. Furthermore, the very cure for your struggle is kept from you through cultural shame, so it’s almost impossible to get relief. So how do you begin to find the healing you so desperately desire? Well reading this blog is a good start. Also anything by Bell Hooks is wonderful but especially her book titled The Will to Change. Men, Masculinity, and Love. In order for you to fully understand your struggles as a man when it comes to love and intimacy you must first educate yourself on the Patriarchy we live under. It molds all of us from birth putting us into either a blue or a pink category and from there dictating how we should conduct ourselves in the world. For boys it looks like squashing their little tender hearts with messages of “Boys don’t cry” and then handing them a gun.
To fully understand the loneliness epidemic in men we have to first understand the systems that created it. My job is to empower you and we cannot be empowered without the full picture. The truth is painful but it's through that truth that we ultimately find healing because we then have all the pieces. When we get to the root of the loneliness epidemic in men and begin treating it like the attack on maleness that it is rather than just an illness that deserves a pill we will begin to eradicate the problem.. Until then, the best that we can do is figure out how to live within a system that is designed to ruin us. We become aware enough to avoid the landmines and the subsequent ramifications of stepping on them. Maybe one day the war will be over but for now we must learn to love ourselves and each other the best we can.
Yours Truly,
Claire