What TF is intimacy?
Ask most men and they will tell you intimacy is another word for sex. In my work as a professional girlfriend you’ll see a lot of confusion around this. Cuddling is often seen as code for “sex” even if the provider is actually offering cuddles. “Do you offer GFE (girlfriend experience)” is often used as a request for no condom use and anal sex. The term intimacy has lost its power and instead is a catch all term for sexual acts. As a woman who offers and focuses on emotional intimacy and connection this is frustrating to say the least.
Sex is sex. Sex can have elements of intimacy and it can even foster intimacy but intimacy is not sex. In fact you can have sex without any elements of intimacy at all! Webster defines intimacy as close familiarity or friendship; closeness.
In addition to this there are 4 different types of intimacy. Emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical. So yes physicality can be intimate but within that, sex is only one of the ways. There is cuddling, hugging, kissing, massage, and several others.
So now we know what intimacy is not, let's dive in a little bit to what it actually is. In a nutshell intimacy is closeness and connection with another. It’s acting in a way that allows for that closeness. Just like you conduct yourself in a certain way during an interview to make sure you nail the client you must act in specific ways to make sure you nail the girl. Haha just kidding. Kinda. ;) All jokes aside, intimacy is an action or more specifically intimacy is a practice. It’s a way of being, made up of various practices, that when compounded and done over time can create a very real feeling of closeness between you and another. Intimacy has to be intentional.
Another component of this is that intimacy takes 2 people. You cannot create intimacy if the other person isn’t also doing their part. Intimacy is collaborative and if both parties aren’t willing to learn its practices and do them regularly the connection and closeness won't be sustainable. Think of it like your iphone (sorry to any android users out there but ya girl is blue bubble all the way). You have to charge the battery to keep it from dying right? Once you charge it you have a while to enjoy all of its features but eventually, without plugging in, it dwindles and dies. Relationships are no different; you have to plug into one another, recharge, and fill up the battery bar. The engagement doesn’t have to be constant but it does need to be enough to keep the relationship from completely dying.
To bring this full circle intimacy is so much more than sex. Just because that is what you’ve seen modeled doesn’t make it true. There are many types of intimacy that most of us are never shown because culturally we have trauma around connection and closeness. Until we as individuals begin to heal our trauma we will continue to be disconnected as a whole. It has to start with each individual and I’m proud of you for reading this blog. You are the path pavers for your lover, your children, and who knows how many others in your life. Intimacy is a scary thing to dive into but once you experience all of its many benefits you’ll be glad you made the effort.
Stay tuned the coming weeks where I will break down aspects of this blog into other blogs where I’ll dive deeper into:
Intimacy and masculinity
Intimacy practices you can try at home
How and where we learn intimacy
How unpleasant experiences around intimacy can lead to wounding and prevent us from trying again.
How to recognize your intimacy wounds and heal from them. And so much more!