How and Where Do You Learn Intimacy
How and where do you learn intimacy? Well you learn intimacy how you learn all things, from your surroundings, experiences and environment. You learn about connection and intimacy in the very early years of your life. This is when our attachment styles begin to form. They form as you go through life as a very small child who doesn’t have words or a frame of reference for relationships yet. You don’t know what's healthy and unhealthy. You only know what is shown to you. These patterns you pick up follow you throughout the course of your life until you decide to consciously learn something different. I’m proud of you for reading this blog and deciding to learn a new thing. It's incredibly difficult to change who you are but it certainly is not impossible.
I want you to think back to your childhood for a second. Think of the most prominent figures in your life during that time. How did they love and care for you and those around them? Were you able to connect to them? Talk to them? Did they listen to you when you shared or were you ignored? Perhaps you never even tried to share at all after observing how they were with others. Did they feel distant? Were they abusive physically or verbally? I want you to think on all of that for a second because what I’m going to say next is very important.
If you experienced a lack of connection and closeness with your caretakers growing up then it's likely you carried that into your adult life as well. It's not your fault, you didn't do anything wrong, and the ways you have learned to cope with the lack of connection (sex, food, alcohol, people pleasing, isolating yourself, extreme independence, over working/providing) are not bringing you any closer to the very thing you crave: closeness with another. It’s only continuing to widen the gap. There is hope though because intimacy is learned. If you learned patterns as a child that aren’t working then you can learn patterns as an adult that do work.
Intimacy is like anything else. It's a series of practices that when done intentionally and with regularity will result in closeness and connection with those around you (as long as they are willing of course). For the sake of this blog we are going to assume they are incredibly excited to get closer to you and have been feeling a lack of intimacy as well. Maybe they have their own set of learned behaviors that contribute to disconnection and have been feeling hopeless about ever experiencing true acceptance and love. How cool would it be if you were brave enough to begin getting the ball rolling? How would it feel to go up to your wife, girlfriend, or even that cutie you keep seeing at the post office and simply show sincere interest in her?
This does not have to be hard. Connecting to another is actually hard wired into who we are as humans. Disconnection is not natural. Connection is. So think of all the things you’ve been taught about intimacy (that aren't working) as something you can begin to unlearn and slough off. It’ll take time, but have faith in yourself. Something as simple as “I want to hear about your day” can make all the difference. Pair that with putting your phone away, making eye contact, and getting curious as she speaks will leave you both with a full cup.
If you found this helpful please share it with friends or on social media. I always appreciate help in getting my message out. Furthermore, if you feel this blog in a way that makes you want to make big changes in your life when it comes to intimacy, please visit my services pages and book a free consultation to see if we are a good match.