What is Masculinity
According to wikipedia Masculinity (also called manhood or manliness) is a set of attributes, behaviors, and roles associated with men and boys. Masculinity can be theoretically understood as socially constructed, and there is also evidence that some behaviors considered masculine are influenced by both cultural factors and biological factors. To what extent masculinity is biologically or socially influenced is subject to debate. It is distinct from the definition of the biological male sex, as anyone can exhibit masculine traits. Standards of masculinity vary across different cultures and historical periods.
I’m not sure about you, but the phrases “socially constructed” and “socially influenced” stand out here. To me, this says that masculinity is not concrete but fluid. Masculinity, according to Wikipedia, is separate from biological sex and is a product of your environment. Masculinity is an elusive concept that is only as healthy or unhealthy as the culture that defines it. Masculinity is a lot like god, a concept that only holds the meaning and importance you assign to it. As elusive as it may be, like any other identity, you get to define it for yourself. Don’t let our culture do that for you.
Our culture sends messages to men daily about how men should act. A lot of the messaging is even harmful and perpetuates things like self-hate, numbing, lack of intimacy with others, etc. Worse, men are born into this message and never know anything different. It’s who they become on auto-pilot, molding themselves into the rough emotionally stunted little boys that society tells them to be. From childhood, many men continue down the path by getting married, having kids, being a provider, and working themselves to death trying to prove something they never got the chance to decide if they wanted or not. How fucked up is that?
There is no one universal truth around masculinity because as wiki states “it varies across different cultures and historical periods”. This is exceptional and hopeful news because it means that if our current cultural definition of masculinity feels archaic, harmful, and no longer useful then we can evolve into a new version that feels better! Both individually and as a collective. Males and those who identify as men shouldn’t have to abandon their masculinity or attempt to erase it as if it’s a bad thing simply because certain men have made it seem that way.
The good news is masculinity is just another identity, one you get to tear down, rebuild, and redefine as often as you need or want to. It took me 8 years to work through and heal my own internalized biases around men but in that process, I learned that the way I saw men and masculinity was a result of my own personal experiences, not men as a whole which means masculinity is what we make it whether we decide that consciously or unconsciously.
The meaning we give to it is determined by our lived experiences. Which means it can be torn down to make space for something different. You do not have to fall in line with our culture’s messages regarding masculinity. Is it easy? Hell no. It takes effort and emotional labor to strip yourself of years of indoctrination. It takes time to heal the dissonance between the real you and who you were told to be. It requires patience, humility, and vulnerability as you remove the mask revealing the true you. No one said it was gonna be easy but I’ll tell you as someone who has done it that it is 100% worth it.
I hope this blog about masculinity brings you hope. It's hard and uncomfortable to reflect on our lives and admit that we aren’t happy in certain areas, but it's even more uncomfortable not doing something about it. It’s hard to recognize and change how you live according to somebody else's rules, but it is possible.