Love vs Abuse
I have been on a journey to understand love for as long as I can remember. When I was a young girl, I was confused by the “love” my parents and the church showed me because what they called love was very isolating and painful. Patriarchal Christian “love” is rooted in suffering, perfectionism, and the notion that you are evil unless you follow a set of highly dogmatic rules. If you fail to do so, you will burn in hell for eternity, kept from god’s love. Even at a young age, I knew all that was wrong and nothing like real love. It was years later that I realized I had been religiously abused and sexually groomed.
You don’t have to have a horrifyingly abusive childhood to be confused by love, though. It's likely the most confusing concept today because our society is rooted in the patriarchy. The patriarchy is completely void of true intimacy and vulnerability; instead, telling men and women love is only to be found in sex and gender-specific roles where the man dominates and the woman is submissive. Whether you grew up in a patriarchal household or you are just a man in America, you have no doubt absorbed some of these toxic ideals.
Love is a human need, and those who don’t know healthy love are vulnerable to anything claiming to give it to them. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve been duped and preyed on by predators who knew I was desperate for someone to care about me. They used that fact against me to make money, get their sexual needs met, etc, all at my expense. Each time, I walked away with nothing.
So what IS love? Good Therapy says love is “A mix of emotions, behaviors, and beliefs associated with strong feelings of affection, protectiveness, warmth, and respect for another person.” I agree with this, and l like that it says love feels warm and respectful. Love is also very kind, and people who say they love us will try to ensure they aren’t hurting us. As I learned more about love and abuse and what each one looked/felt like I was able to walk away from relationships that didn’t feel good. If you know and understand what love isn’t , you can figure out what love is. Little by little, I moved the needle and began encountering loving people who treated me well. Finally, I had tipped the scales.
Today, after eight long years of self-reflection and exploration, I am exploring love and intimacy more deeply. Love doesn’t hurt. Period. People in love have arguments, and we sometimes get our feelings hurt in relationships, but that’s different from abusive behavior. You can tell the difference by the way someone handles it when you come to them with a problem or concern. Do they blame? Avoid? Get aggressive? Or do they listen, ask questions, and work to repair what has happened?
I am deeply passionate about helping others avoid harm in relationships. To avoid unhealthy and abusive people on our way to love and intimacy we must understand what abuse is and what healthy conflict is. Even if you have experienced healthy love in the past, you can still get tangled up in something toxic that will go sideways quickly if you aren’t keen to possible red flags.
When I coach men 1:1, I ensure they become familiar with and can spot these red flags in potential partners. I also want to note that I have used the words “predator” and “abuser” throughout this blog. Still, sometimes people hurt us repeatedly simply because they haven’t done any self-discovery or reflection. They refuse to self-reflect and, in doing so, hurt those around them. I engaged in behavior that wasn’t conducive to a healthy relationship at certain times. We don’t know what we don’t know, but that doesn’t mean people should tolerate us or not demand better. I’m here to ensure you are well-educated on the subject and find relationships that help you feel happy and fulfilled.
If you’re a single man who wants to learn more about how to give and receive love, I would like to chat with you more. Please schedule a call with me here.